Another of the things I hate the most about myself is that I feel like I don't care about my family as much as I should. I think normal people love their family pretty strongly based on nothing more than biology. I'm not sure if I even have any of that in me at all, but I may. Just a little. Not nearly enough. Anything remotely resembling love that I feel for my family is basically appreciation for what they do for me, and the belief that they're basically, relatively good people. Anyway, I wouldn't say I dislike any of them, but at the same time I don't really like them, either. I'm just sort of apathetic about familial relations. Because we have so very little in common, and having common interests is terribly important to me. And I tend to feel like liking is a prerequisite for love, familial or otherwise. There are very few people in my family with whom I have much of anything in common, and them I like, of course. But I don't suppose that means I love them more than the rest, either. In a way I do love everyone in my family, actually. I care about them, I wish them all well. I'd be sad if they died or if anything bad happened to them, though sometimes I think I wouldn't feel as bad about it as I should. And I can't help feeling that my family, at least my immediate family, loves me more than I love them, which makes me feel quite guilty. But I can't help it. I also don't feel like there's any reason for my family to love me, beyond biology. Of course I'd have no interest at all in spending time with most of my family if we weren't related, and I'm sure they wouldn't want to be around me either, probably wouldn't even like me much, if at all. Why the hell would they? Like I said, we don't have much in common. That may not mean as much to them as it does to me in regards to family, but in their choice of friends I think it has to mean something. Anyway, maybe this is odd, but I think that thinking they wouldn't like me if we weren't related actually might make me feel a bit better, sometimes. Sometiems it might make me feel a bit worse, but... in a way I think it sort of allays a bit of my guilt...

Anyway, I feel like in the past I must've said more on this subject online, either in my blog or various boards, but that's all that comes to mind right now. At least I got this page started, and that's important to me. Maybe I'll add to it later, maybe not, we'll see...