Okay... I'm not sure about this page. I guess I just want to list a few technical problems I seem to have. I haven't really had much therapy, and haven't really been diagnosed with much of anything, but I feel like I can diagnose things in myself, anyway, what with living in my own head, and all. It's difficult, though, because when I'm not actually feeling something, I generally can't remember properly what it's like to feel it. I don't understand it or know how to describe it. So I may not be too happy with what I write here. Maybe I'll fix it later. Anyway, most of the stuff I write here will be things I dislike or even hate about myself, but there might be a few good things, as well... we'll see....
Oh, I think I'll start including links to Wikipedia articles, and respond a bit to how definitions of terms there compare or contrast to how I see myself.... But mostly what I write here will just be my own rambling self-analysis, without much regard to technical definitions or symptoms or whatever....
Asperger's syndrome. One syndrome to rule them all... and in the darkness bind them. Yes, I think this could perhaps account for pretty much everything else I will mention here. Well, I once saw a psychiatrist (or psychologist or whatever, I dunno), who suggested I might have this. I don't take it as an official diagnosis, or anything. I only saw him the one time. But from what I've read, it sounds alot like me. My family also seem to believe I have this. But I want to stress it's entirely possible I don't (and even if I do, I'd say it's relatively mild). Though, dammit, there's something wrong with me, or I should say alot of somethings. I feel like any of my problems are minor compared to some people who suffer these things, but again, severe compared to normal people. Anyway, Asperger's is, as I understand it, a form of high-functioning autism, and I think "high-functioning" is the key phrase, here. There is "no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or general delay in language," and I'd certainly say that's true of me. But "qualitative impairment in social interaction" also certainly fits, along with, to an extent, "intense preoccupation with a narrow subject, one-sided verbosity, restricted prosody and intonation." "Motor clumsiness," however, is not something I'd say I have. I'd certainly say I suck at demonstrating empathy, and I'm fairly antisocial. Part of this comes from social anxiety, part of it from a lack of common interests with most people; but it's entirely possible Asperger's plays a role.
The "Restricted and repetitive interests and behavior" segment of Wikipedia's entry doesn't sound much like me. I'm not interested in many things, but what I am interested in... it's not about some random aspect, but about the broader subject. Like anime, which I love pretty much everything about. Not sure about the "Speech and language" segment. Some things may be sort of true of me, others not. I do tend to worry a great deal about misinterpretations. And I feel my speech can be somewhat monotonous. And I do like to compare things in real life to things in fiction. While I mostly tend not to speak much at all, if I can get started on a certain subject of interest to me, I think I could speak at great length. Of course I think alot of it would be repetitive, because I tend to feel like I'm not adequately conveying what I mean to say. Anyway... I guess that's all I can think to say for the moment. But I really do feel Asperger's, or something similar, would be a good explanation for all the other problems I see in myself....
Schizophrenia. Once upon a time I was seeing a shrink who, if I recall, thought I had this. I saw him a number of times, but eventually stopped, since it was making me more depressed than I was before I started seeing him. This was before I saw the other doctor, who suggested Asperger's. Though I only saw him once, as opposed to seeing this first guy several times (I don't recall how often, actually), I think the latter suggestion much more likely. In fact I am practically positive I don't have schizophrenia, but I thought, to be a completist, I should mention it here in passing (even though I already mentioned it on that other page I linked to above).
Depression is something I'd definitely say I have, to a certain degree. It's not nearly as bad for me as it is for most people with clinical depression, but it's certainly worse than a common depressed mood. Wikipedia mentions thoughts that can't simply be willed away, and that's certainly true of me. Affect work, family life? Perhaps, but I feel such things are more affected by social anxiety. It's not debilitating, really, even if there are times I'd like to just crawl into a corner on the floor, curl up and cry... having work that I must do can help shunt off such feelings for a bit. I don't think it affects my eating habits to any significant degree. There could be times I don't have an appetite, but I don't starve. I normally eat more than I should, but not alot more. Does it affect my sleep? I usually have trouble sleeping, but I don't think that's because of depression. It's because my brain just refuses to shut down, and I lie awake thinking about things, mostly things I've thought countless times before, which is annoying. And it can involve depression or any of the psychological issues I hate about myself.... My ability to enjoy life? There are few things in life that I like, and even those things I enjoy tend to be mixed with depression. Part of that I think is because I can't share my interests with others as much as I'd like to. Part of it because it makes me want to work on my writing, but reminds me that I never do, and even if I did, I worry I'd be unsuccessful at it. Part of it is that entertainment is full of pretty girls, thus reminding me that I'm alone and feel I always will be. Part of it could be the nature of the art... it can be melancholic or sad, which is part of its beauty. It could be any number of things, though also sometimes I think it's something totally inexplicable, unless you just say clinical depression is causing my mix of enjoyment and sadness. Of course there have also been times I can't manage to enjoy things I normally do. And there have been thoughts of suicide, but that's not something I believe I'd ever do (and knowing that can be depressing, itself). Worthlessness, inappropriate guilt, helplessness? Oh hells yeah, that's me, big time. I like to say I'm nothing. I feel there's not much hope of changing my lot in life. And guilt... I have a tendency to feel guilty about everything that's ever happened in the history of the world. But mostly about things that bear some kind of relation to myself, even if there's absolutely no reason to feel guilty about it. Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions? Most definitely. Fatigue? I'd say so, but not to a debilitating degree by any means. I do often feel tired, but I tend to think of it more as being "tired of life," which can manifest as physical fatigue. Well, there may be other symptoms that don't fit me as much.
Bipolar disorder? I dunno. I'd say I suffer a general sort of low-level background depression most of the time, though it's not as bad as the occasional flare-ups of real depression, which happen to varying degrees all too often. But at least it isn't currently as bad as it has been at some times in my life. My depressive episodes, as terrible as they make me feel, probably aren't nearly as bad as some people's. As for manic episodes, well, I suppose I can also be quite happy at times. But I wouldn't say on a manic level, and in fact I'm sure it's never as intense as my depression can be. So I certainly don't think I'm bipolar. Anyway, even if I can be very stoic, detached, apathetic, about most things in life, and I'm terribly bored most of the time, it could just be simply having different interests than other people, and there's nothing unusual about that. Is it weird to be as passionate about anime, for example, as some people are about, say, sports? I don't think so. I think some people will treat you as odd if you don't like the same things they like, and also odd if you like things they don't. And it can be frustrating for me to have somewhat uncommon interests, but ultimately I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's not a psychological problem by any means; rather it's other people's problem if they don't understand it. But it can play into other things that are my problem, such as social anxiety.
But I did want to talk a bit more about my stoicism. I very much dislike displaying emotion, especially positive ones. Smiling and laughing don't come naturally to me, even when I'm in a relatively good mood (yes, it does happen). I feel very self-conscious or embarrassed about doing such things around other people, even if I'm close to them. On the other hand, I can be far more open with my feelings than most people, or at least most men, though I'm better at displying it textually, like online or in a letter or something. (Actually this goes for pretty much any type of communication; I'm much more comfortable communicating online than IRL.) I don't have any compunctions about crying, though. It's definitely easier to show sadness than happiness. And I could talk about my feelings... the thing is, I suck at talking about most things in life, especially "small talk," because of different interests, social anxiety, and confusion, etc. But I can talk much more easily about things that are familiar to me, and since I think alot about my feelings and psychology, it's a subject that's usually easier for me to discuss, I think. But of course, not always....
I also dislike displaying gratitude, I mean just like, I don't like to say "thanks" for anything, even if I am grateful. Sometimes I will, to be polite, and sometimes it doesn't even bother me much, cuz I don't give it much thought. Other times it's really hard for me, or impossible. And I don't like being thanked either. The only way I can think to explain these things is that, well... you know, if someone says "thanks," then you say "you're welcome," right? Or "it's nothing," or "don't mention it," things like that. What does that mean? It means... you don't feel you've really done something above and beyond, you're happy to have done it for them. I guess I don't want to be thanked for something if I don't feel I went out of my way to do it. (I especially dislike being thanked for doing something I am required to do, as part of my job, say.) Though I probably wouldn't want to be thanked even if I did, so I dunno. But to me things should be done altruistically, and if you expect a thank you, it may be small recompense, but it's like the expression of gratitude is something, you know? It's like once they say it, they automatically make what you've done... less altruistic. I guess. Or maybe it's that I just don't like feeling obligated to do certain things. Like saying "thank you," it's like supposed to be automatic, so it loses its meaning, there doesn't have to be any genuine gratitude behind it. I hate that. If I'm going to say "thank you," I want it to be a personal choice. I also don't like the idea that people will assume you're ungrateful just because you don't say it. I may be many things, but an ingrate is not one of them! Well anyway, not always... Ah well. ...On the other hand, maybe I'm overthinking the whole thing. Maybe the whole disliking of thanking or being thanked is just because I'm stoic. But it's just so weird how I can be both stoic and open. I sometimes think I'm a free spirit trapped inside the mind of a stoic, actually. Or something like that...
There's so damn many opposites going on in my psyche, I can't begin to list them. But I do frequently notice my feelings on various things can be... completely opposite, at different times. It may be the situation is different, or then again it may not, I'm not sure. I... hope sometime in the future I can come back and update this paragraph with some examples...
Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a behavior I've noticed to a certain extent in myself. I mean, not to any debilitating extent. I'm not like Adrian Monk or somebody. But there are some things, like how I sometimes feel the need to flip through magazines (whether in stores as described in my article on money, or just at home, or someone else's home). I don't know, I'm pretty sure I don't really have OCD, even if sometimes it sort of seems like it. Can I be obsessed with certain things? I suppose, but how can I really determine if it's just a strong interest in a given subject? Is there anything unusual about thinking about things you like, such as a favorite TV show or genre or whatever? Is it obsessive to engage in activities related to it, such as maintaining a website? I'm sure it could be, but I don't think it affects my life too much. Though maybe that's because I have no life to begin with. That's not because of an obsession with certain subjects, but because... of social anxiety and lack of money, and just not being interested in many things. I don't think there's anything wrong with not being interested in alot of things. It's just... part of my personality, not necessarily mixed up with anything I'd consider a psychological issue. But there are persistent, distressing, intrusive thoughts. If obsessive-compulsiveness is about that kind of thing, I certainly wouldn't take my positive interests to be related. But I dunno. Sigh.
Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Now I'm pretty sure I don't have this, really, but I can definitely have a short attention span, and a terrible memory. I remember some things fine, and other things, often more important things, I can't remember. And sometimes I'm just not aware of what people are saying, like I tune them out, unconsciously (though sometimes it also bugs me that I can't tune stuff out). And I guess sometimes it can be hard to concentrate on things, even things I really want to concentrate on. But still, I don't think I really have ADHD or anything, but maybe something similar. Or not, I dunno. Also sometimes it can take my brain awhile to process things. Like I'll frequently find myself saying "What?" when I don't think I've heard what someone said, but even as I'm saying it I'll realize what it was that they said. (Other times I really just can't make out what they say and don't even try, cuz I've had experiences where I have people repeat themselves a bunch of times and I still can't make it out, so... I don't want that to happen and just pretend I heard even if I didn't. But I really hate doing that, too, and it concerns me I could miss important stuff.) ...But the slow processing "What?-oh yeah" kind of thing may not be uncommon, probably happens to alot of people, but it still bugs me alot. And it's not the only thing like that. I think I miss alot of stuff that happens on TV even when I'm paying close attention. Part of this may be because things go too fast, or because the screen is relatively small and my eyesight poor, but really I think it's largely because my brain processing speed is slow, and like I don't have enough RAM in there, y'know? It's not just with visual things, but hearing too, I often fail to catch what people are saying on TV (or in real life) even if they're not talking that fast or quietly, or saying anything that complicated. Hearing really is a funny thing, though. I find for example that sometimes I hear things clearly that others have trouble with, and the same people can sometimes hear things that I have trouble with. So I really don't think I actually have a hearing problem, at least not in terms of volume. It really is more likely something to do with processing or concentration. But I'm getting off track here, hearing isn't ADHD. Well, that kind of proves it, though. I often get sidetracked, sometimes by related matters and sometimes by completely unrelated matters, and they can lead to other trains of thought, so eventually I completely forget what track I started on. But yes, I think I am easily distracted and forgetful. Sometimes I can manage to concentrate fairly well on something, but other times my concentration completely sucks. Still, it generally doesn't seriously impair my ability to do things, especially things like work. Though it may make it harder to work on personal projects like writing, or my website, or what have you. And it certainly bothers me if it makes me miss something that's going on in a TV show or movie, or whatever. As for hyperactivity, I really don't feel like I have that....
Peter Pan syndrome. To be honest, I don't think most of the stuff in Wikipedia's definition can be applied to me. But if you just think of it as not growing up, then certainly that's me. I can't really think of myself as an adult. In some ways I do, but mostly I think of myself as a kid. I actually don't dislike that about myself very much. In fact for the most part I like it. It does cause a few concerns perhaps, but nothing really too serious. It's odd though how I can see people (like on TV, for example) who I don't have any trouble thinking of as adults, but then I find out they're younger than I am. It's so weird knowing that there are adults younger than I am, while I'm a kid. Disorienting, you might say. I also should say that if I was ever to fall in love, I think it would have to be with a woman who I could see as a kid like me, and who could see herself as a kid, and see me as a kid too. Though of course we'd also have to be able to see each other as the adults we are, on a certain level. But anyway... hell, people tend to enjoy a romantic notion of staying young at heart, then they ridicule or ostracize people who actually are young at heart. I enjoy alot of things like comic books or cartoons or things that many people consider childish. Which is annoying because alot of those things simply aren't childish, they're just a medium of entertainment, telling a story. Any kind of story could be told, some of which might be meant for adults. Not necessarily because of content like sexuality, coarse language, violence, etc., though those things can sometimes be present. But sometimes it can simply be a matter of a story or concepts being too complex for most kids to understand or appreciate. On the other hand, there are also some things that are definitely made for kids, that I nevertheless enjoy myself. (And other things for kids are too childish for my tastes.) In any event, I make no apologies for enjoying the few things I enjoy, because to give them up would leave me with practically nothing to live for. And I'm offended by the idea that other people's idea of what's appropriate for me is more important than my idea of what's appropriate for myself.
Arrested Development might be a better way to describe it... or not. I can't really find anything about it on Wikipedia, but I guess that's because the term isn't actually a real diagnosis. I suppose I don't even think of the term correctly. I tend to think of it as not really growing up, but actually it's not like that. It's a developmental disorder, probably basically like stuff I've said under other headings on this page, like Asperger's, etc. So I suppose there's no point in rehashing such things right here. Though I do want to mention, in case I haven't, that I sometimes suspect I could suffer a certain degree of mental retardation or something, and no one ever mentioned it to me. That's kind of silly, though. Just paranoia, more sort of similar to the fear of telepathy as I mentioned on Mind's page. And anyway, when I see or hear people who truly have such a condition, it's fairly clear to me that I don't. Really. Whatever... at least Arrested Development was both a good hip-hop band and an awesome TV show....
Social anxiety. And let's say a sort of paranoia. I kind of like to say I'm paranoid that others will be paranoid about me. One thing I'll say is I don't like looking at people, especially in the eyes. Of course, avoiding eye contact is bad, too. I often tend to worry about people thinking I'm looking at them (even when I'm specifically avoiding it), but the thought of them thinking I'm avoiding looking at them also bothers me. I also should mention that I've always felt like the stress of looking at people could make my eyes sore, or start to water, or wink or blink, which leads to the fear that people would think I was winking at them...
So anyway, I don't like looking at people or being looked at. But I also don't like them thinking anything at all about me, for good or for ill... I'd just rather people didn't think about me. At least people I don't know. But then, I also worry about people I do know thinking about me, to an extent. I'm sure people think alot less about me than I imagine them doing, but that doesn't stop my imagining, and hating myself for the things I imagine, and possibly acting oddly because of it, which might make people notice me more and think about me more, though mostly it just increases my own paranoia. Anyway, I'd say that social anxiety is definitely one of the worst things that goes on in my head. I'm always getting upset with myself for how I act around others or whatever. Sometimes I'm not sure if someone's talking to me or to someone else, so I don't want to respond, but then I also worry that I should. Also, the simplest things in life tend to confuse or upset me. I can't really do small talk. I don't know how to respond to so many things. If someone asks how I'm doing, I may say "fine" or whatever (even if I might actually be feeling sort of suicidal, which I know no one wants to hear), and then feel like I should ask how they are, but I just kind of can't. (Still, I should say, as hard as it is to respond to people, it's at least somewhat easier than initiating any kind of greeting or talk; it's practically impossible for me to say even simple things like "hello" or "goodbye" unless they say it to me first.)
I dunno, there are so many little things like that, I just can't explain it all, I can't give enough examples. But I feel like anything I say or do is going to be wrong. Ah yes, damned if I do, damned if I don't. I just always feel so damned. Sometimes I can be certain of the right thing to do, but still can't do it. Sometimes I can do the right thing, and still feel afterwards that it may have been wrong. But mostly I just don't know... what to do. Like a friend might put out a hand, and I'm not sure if I'm meant to shake it or slap it or do some special handshake that I'm not even in on, or just wave, or if I'm not even meant to do anything. I might shake it anyway, and then spend a few hours worrying that that wasn't expected of me and that I seemed weird for doing it. For example.
Anyway, I just am terribly uncomfortable around people. Strangers, friends, family, even myself. I can be all alone and still uncomfortable, but I suppose that's just my self-loathing, my constantly thinking about all these things about myself, etc. But it's worse around other people, of course. I don't like crowds. I don't like parties (though this is partly because I get bored, nothing I feel like doing, no one to talk to about any common interests). I don't like stores. I get an almost physical pain from the idea of standing in lines, especially when everyone ahead of me has a ton of stuff to buy and I have just one or two things; it can even seem like at the express lanes people have what must be more than the maximum items. It's not just shopping lines, of course, but any kind of lines, say for a ride at a fair, or... I dunno, anything. I suppose everyone feels like that to an extent, but I'm telling you, for me it's worse. I also can't stand being anywhere near other pedestrians when I'm out walking, whether I'm passing them from behind, or they're behind me, or we're coming towards each other... it leads to my paranoia of them thinking about me, thinking I might be looking at them or might attack them or something, though I doubt anyone really thinks such things, I can't help worrying about it. Anyway... restaurants or bars or... any situation that involves other people, I'm just not that comfortable. I can handle it if I have to, but for the most part I'd rather just stay home. Not just because of social anxiety, but also because just in general alot of things don't interest me, but even things I want to do are made unpleasant by the fact that other people are there. I feel like if I had enough money to never go out to work, and I could do all my shopping online, I could easily become a Hikikomori. But... ultimately, probably not. No, I don't think I'll ever be a shut-in, or anything, but still the idea has a certain appeal....
I also need to say that I'm quite uncomfortable with any physical contact. I don't like sitting close to people. I don't like shaking hands. I don't like hugging even close relatives. I'll do any such things if need be, or just to be polite, to make people happy, but I really don't like it at all. I feel like I could only be truly comfortable having any sort of even casual physical contact with a person if we were in a relationship, and in love with each other. Even then I wouldn't be completely comfotable, but I would be able to allow myself to enjoy it, I think. Which is not to say that I perceive such contact as sexual, or anything like that, I don't find it inappropriate with family or friends or whatever, it's just... I guess it's not so much about the type of relationship as the general comfort level I feel with the person, and I feel like I couldn't be in love with someone without first feeling far more comfortable with them than I am with anyone else in the world. So it's not so much an A to B to C thing as A to B and C to B. Or something like that. If you know what I mean.
Anyway, what does Wikipedia mention about social anxiety? Fear of embarrassment? Check. Blushing? Meh, probably not so much. But maybe a little. Sweating? I don't think so. Palpitations, neh. Nausea, not generally. Stammering, possibly a little, but more just not speaking at all, I think. I dunno. Panic attacks? I'd certainly say I could have minor ones, though I know for some people they can be much worse. But yeah... I think I get something like that. As I've said before, sometimes I do want to curl up in a corner....
Self-consciousness is one of my worst problems, if not my very worst. For me it's not the same, I think, as what most people mean when they say they're self-conscious. For me, it means I'm almost constantly... conscious... of my self. I mean, I have this feeling that most of the time, most people aren't thinking about who they are. I, on the other hand, can't seem to stop. I'm not saying 100% of the time, but... far too much. Certainly there are times when I'm not aware of myself, and that's awesome. I just wish I could lose myself more often, or for longer stretches of time. This self-consciousness is mostly why I hate myself, I suppose. I'm sick of myself, and constantly aware of who I am as an individual, my own perception of my identity, my personality, my overall perspective on the world... and this consciousness of course most prominently includes my various faults, my psychological state (or my perception of it), and it sort of eats away at my defenses. This leads to things like depression, social anxiety, etc. Probably most of my problems stem from this inability to stop thinking about who I am most of the time.
It's not just that, though... not just that I'm always thinking about myself, but that I'm always thinking, about any random thing at all; my brain just doesn't want to shut down. I wish I could put it on a dimmer switch, the way I feel most people do without really noticing. I mean, there may be times I'm not thinking about anything in particular, or that if you asked me what I was thinking I wouldn't have anything tangible to say. But it gets tiring and wears my nerves thin to not have my mind slow down much. I don't even have the benefit of any particular genius or productivity, in fact this can be counterproductive, make it hard to concentrate or actually do anything. But also it makes it really hard to get to sleep at night. I don't generally have insomnia, but I do often take quite awhile to fall asleep. And of course it's particularly annoying that it's mostly the same things I think of, over and over, mostly a repetition of my thoughts about myself. But whatever it is I think of, it's just so redundant. I may imagine talking about these things to someone else... a friend, a stranger, family, psychiatrist, talk show host, whatever. But then I try to remind myself I'm alone, I'm the only one listening, and I've heard it all a million times before, so there's no point in thinking about it anymore. But stopping just isn't as easy as that....
I should also say that many of the things I think about, not just imaginings but also memories, can make me flinch. And I will often suddenly say things like "I hate life," though usually such utterances are under my breath, or entirely in my head. But sometimes I start to worry I could even develop Tourette's. I don't know, though, I tend to think of that as more random than what I do. It may be out of place, or um, inappropriate, whatever, but at least it has a clear cause. Anyway, I can't get over any old embarrassment or such feelings. Memories can hit me any time, and it feels completely fresh. And then there is the present, and the future. I dunno. People... I don't just notice how I'm different from others, but how others are different from me. I think alot of the time, normal people can have qualities that I find unpleasant, for example, too keen an interest in sexual matters. I myself suspect I shall always remain a virgin, but more of that can be read about on my other psych pages. I try not to judge others, of course, but I can still find it disturbing. Then again, alot of this may just be paranoia, and not based on how people actually are. Though they do tend to talk about things far more freely, and publicly, than I ever would. And, whether real or imagined, it's just one of many things that can trigger thoughts that cause tics or whatever. Sometimes... I think I hate the world, I hate humanity... but then I remind myself that I mostly just hate myself....
Egocentrism. Actually, I had a thought, well basically something I've often thought is that I tend to see the world from my own perspective, which of course everyone does to one degree or another. And I think most people can sometimes have a hard time remembering that others think or feel differently than they do. For me it's kind of the opposite, I constantly feel that others think and feel differently than I do, in fact I probably exaggerate my own difference from everyone else. This may in part be to compensate for my feeling that most other people tend to underestimate my difference. People may like me, and I don't understand why, since much of the time I can't stand myself. Which makes me feel they must not really know me very well. Which is understandable, since I'm fairly withdrawn. (Certainly, I'm only good at talking about subjects which are familiar to me, which basically include my thoughts on my own psychology, and entertainments which interest me. Small talk is very hard, and the interests of others are generally of little if any interest to me.) And it bothers me that people seem to think that because they like me, I can't be that different. But anyway, aside from the fact that I may have an exaggerated sense of difference from others, I still feel very self-centered. Of course I also feel like... even if others like me or even love me, they don't really care about my interests, because my interests are different from their own.
The thing is, everyone, on a subconscious level, must feel that the world revolves around them, so to speak. On a conscious level, we can all relate to others, to the world, display sympathy, empathy, and an interest in others, an ability to see things from another's point of view, if we really try. But it does require an effort, one must remind onesself that people do see things differently. But I feel my sense of the world revolving around me is more pronounced than most people's, even while being aware of being different. I mean, it's difficult to look at any situation without automatically thinking about how it pertains to me. One trouble with this is that I may be aware of many situations in life which do not pertain to me in any way. Which accounts for my paranoia, as well as being offended by things I overhear people talking about, such as demonstrating, for example, an apparently nonchalant attitude about sex or anything vaguely sexual, a willingness to talk openly about things that I consider private. (As I say, this is just one example of the sort of thing that offends me, even though it has nothing to do with me and is none of my business.) Of course, while my paranoia and self-centeredness can make me hate myself or hate others or just cause me pain, sometimes it can be silly and easily ignored.
Anyway, so I was just thinking... the subconscious selfishness vs. the conscious awares of others' perspectives... um... got me thinking about this hazy twilight realm where the conscious and the subconscious mix. And dammit, I had some more specific thoughts I wanted to express about that, but I've forgotten. I took time to look at Wikipedia's entry for id, ego, and super-ego, which I don't know much about, but it occurred to me that it must be similar to what I was thinking of. So... let's see, if "id" is about purely selfish drives, I feel that in a way that's both overdeveloped and underdeveloped in me. Or maybe my ego just does an overly good (to the point of being bad) job of moderating my desires, I don't know. Certainly, I feel like my sex drive is less than that of other people, but that's probably not strictly true. It's just that there are other concerns that seem to affect and limit my desire for sex, concerns which are stronger in me than in others. But the drive itself is probably as strong in me as in others, before being affected by ego or super-ego. Meanwhile, Wikipedia also mentions a desire for escapism through fiction, alcohol, and even death. Certainly those things apply to me. I can't say I entirely understand the description of the ego, which mediates between the id, the super-ego, and the external world (or the individual's perception of the external world, which is of course different for everyone). To me the ego and super-ego sound rather like the same thing, which is basically the control of the id, to fit into society, interact with people in an appropriate manner. I think I would understand the ego better if the super-ego seemed to be entirely altruistic, concerned only with what's best for others rather than one's self, but I don't get the impression that that's the case. In any event, I can't think what else to say about all this, except that the theory of id, ego, and super-ego seems to lead into some of Freud's other theories, to which I do not particularly subscribe.
Anyway, after looking at that, I looked into egocentrism, as a possible heading for this bit of the page, the ideas I wanted to talk about in those last couple paragraphs, though I'm not sure how well the term fits what I mean. To an extent it does, and to an extent it's probably almost the opposite of what I mean. I dunno. Whenever I try to look up anything, it seems confusing, just as anything I think about on my own is confusing, and hard to explain, let alone reconcile with established theories. So... having injected a few paragraphs onto the page, and not being able to think of more to say at the moment, I'll simply end this line of thought, and you can move on to the next paragraph, which is of course an older one. But I really do feel like I've been quite inadequate in saying what I wanted to say today in these last few paragraphs. Sigh. ...Ah, but wait, I remembered also that the id involves a desire to create, which in most is a sexual thing, but for me I think it's artistic. Not that artists can't be quite sexual, but... since I'm not, I suppose my writing fulfills that need. And of course much of my depression must come from the fact that I rarely manage to work on my writing. What else? Can't relate to people well, paranoid that things that have nothing to do with me are somehow about me, childish need to have everything about me and depression or annoyance, frustration, when things aren't, or when people aren't interested in what I care about... Yeah, I think that's most of what I was forgetting. Maybe. Anyway, like I said before... moving on.
Panphobia, the fear of everything. Or as Lucy called it in the Charlie Brown Christmas special, pantophobia (or rather I thought she said "pentaphobia," but I guess I was wrong). In any event, do I have this? Hmmm. Maybe a little. Yeah, I'd certainly say I have non-specific fears, on top of all my specific fears. Could be more paranoia, though, or just the sense that the universe isn't right. I dunno. *shrug* It's probably not too important, just sort of a nagging... annoyance, or whatever. Minor compared to some other stuff on the list, but it does kind of contribute to my generally frayed nerves. I guess.
"Willy Lomania" is a name I have for this feeling I often have of being "liked, but not well-liked." Have you ever seen or read Death of a Salesman? There is a character, the protagonist, Willy Loman. In the story, they sometimes toss about the phrase "...liked, but not well-liked." They don't say this about Willy directly, but while I'm empathizing with him, I feel like that is how he's seen (and perhaps I'm meant to get that out of it, but I'm just not entirely certain). And it is certainly how I tend to see myself. I have always thought that I am tolerated by groups I'm in. I can call people friends, and they can call me a friend. And we are. But I often have a hard time believing anyone really likes me, really wants me around. I think I don't fit in, even sometimes with people who are much like me, in some ways. I think I'm always outside the loop, that I'm just someone who's there and no one cares enough to tell me to go away or leave them alone. What's more, a great deal of the time I don't think anyone should like me. I mean, I think there are likable things about me, but I think there are more unlikable things about me. I can sometimes think the only reason anyone likes me at all is that they don't know me well enough to know that they shouldn't. Which in a way I guess I'm kind of glad of, because I do want friends. And despite my generally not wanting people to think about me or notice me, in some cases I do crave attention, at least from people I like. And I can feel sad and lonely and unliked if it seems like people aren't paying enough attention, or aren't responding to stuff I've done online... stories, blog posts, bboard posts, and so forth. But then I can also feel guilty about not responding enough myself to stuff other people do online... It's all very odd and contradictory, the stuff that goes on inside my head....
I should say, on a positive note, one day I was thinking about how I can enjoy fiction, and it struck me that in order to really enjoy such things, one has to feel like they belong... to something. They have to be able to identify with some of the characters on some level, in order to hope... things turn out well for them, or whatever. I mean, normally I have trouble thinking of myself even as human, but if I can root for people to win in various situations, fictional or real, then it must mean that deep down I do think of myself as human. Why else would I care? And by extrapolation, I can think of myself as really belonging to more specific groups, such as a group of friends... which is nice, I guess. Though this little epiphany doesn't exactly cure me of anything... My feelings that I don't or shouldn't belong haven't just disappeared, or anything. But even a moment's reprieve now and then helps.
Indecisiveness is another great problem of mine. Oh, I cannot begin to tell you how bad I can often be at having to make decisions about such simple things. I don't know why, exactly. Sometimes it's like, I just don't care one way or another. What do I want to eat? Do with my time? Watch, listen to, buy, etc.? Pretty much any of my options are equally appealing, or unappealing. I suppose the problem is that in many ways I'm not hard to please (in some cases; though in other cases I'm terribly hard to please). I'm often not in the mood for one thing specifically, more than anything else. So there'll be all these options, and there's literally nothing to grasp onto, no preference to attach to any of my options... They are all equal, no distinctions whatever... All I could possibly do is pick one at random, for absolutely no reason. Which sometimes is easy, but sometimes it's practically impossible. And I want to try so many things, I've no idea where to start, and who knows if I'll even get to everything, in my life? How do I choose which things to leave out? And sometimes nothing particularly appeals to me. And sometimes what I want isn't available to me, which can really make the things that are available unappealing. But of course, another problem is I don't like choosing things when it affects more than just me. I sometimes feel like my desires aren't as important as other people's, so I shouldn't be the one to choose. Of course, I can also be upset about having to go along with what others choose if it doesn't appeal to me, and would sometimes rather just have nothing or be alone, and get depressed and/or angry about the whole situation, and sulk. Which I hate about myself, especially if I had every opportunity to choose in the first place. But as bad as that is, it can still be slightly less bad than actually making a choice.
Further random notes:
I also should mention that I can be terribly unassertive. I like to say that of all the David Wards in the world, I'm the Charlie Browniest.
But I suppose there's also the masochist in me. (Wikipedia only seems to talk about this in sexual terms, which is not what I mean at all.) I mean, I don't want to experience physical pain, or anything, but sometimes I think I need to wallow in my own depression, self-loathing, unimportance, bad luck, and all my various problems. I need to hate myself and my life and the world. I don't really know why. It's weird. I certainly don't enjoy it at all, it may be painful as all hell, but at least in a way it's sort of comfortable. At least I'm familiar with it. And sometimes people just tend to grasp onto familiar things, you know? Besides, I kind of feel like it's all I've got.
One thing I especially hate is that there is a darkness in me. Sometimes I just imagine a situation getting quickly and progressively more and more unfair (from my perspective). I wish I could describe it better, but I end up imagining myself reacting very badly to the things I'm imagining happening. And ultimately I can just feel terribly defensive and it sort of gets to the point where I can't bear to live in such an unspeakably unjust world... I imagine like just letting myself go completely crazy and do really... crazy and violent things. Which may start out in the realm of the technically possible, but quickly move to the ridiculous, like blowing up the world. Of course, none of this would ever really happen. I am not by any means a violent person. I think anyone can feel like being violent or destructive at times, it's human nature. But we're also living in a more or less civilized society, which is something I quite value. I consider myself a civilized human being. I do fear that my dark imaginings do tend to go further, and feel more real to me than most people's do... and, well, it scares me. But still I never actually lose touch with reality or anything. And anyway, it helps that the things that I imagine leading to such actions... never actually happen anyway. If the imagined impetus doesn't become real, of course neither do my imagined reactions. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't anyway, but I'm glad on various levels not to have to find out. And anyway, later I'm always glad... well, that I don't have access to atomic weapons or anything. It's funny how ridiculous some of my thoughts can seem to me in hindsight...
Ah well, there are tons of things I hate about myself and the ways my mind works. I can't even get into it all, but there's lots about myself, and other people, and the world, that makes no sense to me, confuses me, annoys me, causes me great pain and frustration... well, I don't know what else to say right now, so I'll end this page for now. But I have come back to it and edited it occasionally since I started it, and I very well may again. I'm sure there are no end of things I could say about the way my mind works (or fails to)....